(1) There is no Wetherspoons pub in Brazil. Every time I remember this it brings tears to my eyes.
(2) Rio is best described by a guy I once met in a bar in Minas Gerais: “Em lagoa que tem piranha, jacaré nada de costas”. (In the pirana pond, the alligator swims on his back)
(3) If you want to sound Brazilian, don’t say Rio. The ‘r’ sound is very soft. You need to say “hee-oh”. Try it. It could mean the difference between getting laid and getting mugged.
(4) Brazilian Portuguese doesn’t sound like Russian (whereas speaking Portuguese from Portugal will get you a job in the Kremlin).
(5) Brazilian football fans jump up and down on the terraces for 90 minutes chanting like manic warriors. They make English fans look like librarians at a chapel tea party.
(6) A very well-known player in the current Manchester United team hails from my adopted city of Porto Alegre.
(7) Brazilians think England is paradise; a quaint, orderly, safe haven where the people are all educated, cultured and civilised.
(8) Brazilians of all ages can enjoy a night out without booze. It must be something they put in the cola here.
(9) Brazilians have been conned by Coldplay. They haven’t yet realised that Chris Martin is a self-satisfied wimp who loves the sound of his own trite, singalong anthems. If John Lennon heard “Viva la Vida” he would spin in his grave.
(10) When it comes to English food, Brazilians only know about fish and chips. Yorkshire Pudding is poetry to their ears.
(11) In Brazil children are worshipped, so they lord it over mummy and daddy who keep paying for everything. Forever.
(12) In Brazil avocados are as big as your head. Or your mate’s head.
(13) Brazilian champagne is as good as the French stuff and it’s made here in Rio Grande do Sul.
(14) In Brazil on Christmas Day absolutely NOTHING happens. (But there’s a party at my gaff!)